Thursday, 25 August 2011

The Summer of D’Oh!

That’s been the predominant sound this month. I’ve been having a teeny tiny streak of… well, I would call it sheer coincidence and possibly a dollop or two bad luck. Big dollops. We’re talking horse sized. Elephant, even.

All Him Self can say is “Don’t touch ANYTHING.”

So far I have broken things that have broken in the house include:

The tumble dryer. Thank God it’s summer, eh? A British summer. Raining. So all my laundry is over radiators. Marvellous.

A laptop. Not mine, fortunately, the one the kids use. So no big loss. Except. Yannow. Summer. Kids are bored. They need to make plans with their friends (which is all done on facebook now. How time changes, huh? Even just two years ago they managed with texts.). They need to look up google timetables. Everything is done online, so they whine constantly and ask to use my comp to use the internet. Except…

The Whole Entire Internet. Or at least the part of it that comes to my house. None. Nada. Zilch. And it took our ISP DAYS to make an appointment to come out. So, I used a dongle instead – no, I’m not addicted, I can give it up anytime. I can use the telephone, unlike my daughters! Except…

(You know what’s coming now, right?)

The telephone. Let’s start with my mobile. For some reason, every text sent failed. I turned the phone on and off again. I removed the battery and sim. I checked the website for my phone. I checked the website for my network. I call Him Self* take a look. 5 hours later… yes, really, 5 hours… someone asked me if I had any credit. D’oh.
*Except…

The Landline. Because, natch. I tried to call himself to whine about my mobile and had no dial tone. Hurrumph. So, that evening he fiddled and messed and moved this wire and snipped that wire and fixed the line.

The telephone. Refused to accept the fixed line and stubbornly refused to work. 24 hours of sweating, swearing and faffing followed. On the verge of getting a new one, Him Self finally figured out that the base station had forgotten to communicate with the handset. He inputted a code and all was well again.. All that stress for nothing.

My oven. Which is almost new so I’m not happy and taking this one further. In the meantime, cooking has become a real joy.

The bathroom light. I did wonder if there was a power surge or something because the light flared and dimmed and flared and dimmed… and then it was gone. Oh dear.

The kitchen light. It’s starting to become a joke now, everyone is pointing and laughing at me, so when Himself asks me to turn on the kitchen light I jokingly ask “Are you sure?” And then… <flicker> <flicker> <zzzzt> Yeah.

Oh, and the floods. I’m actually blaming the kitchen light on the floods. Twice… TWICE IN A MONTH… we ran the bath and forgot it and flooded the damn house so badly it literally streamed through the kitchen ceiling. Wet plaster stinks, fyi. And as an even more direct result of that:

The kitchen ceiling. Sigh.

Tomorrow, I am not getting out of bed.

Monday, 15 August 2011

Brightest Spark

You know that old trick… the one with the fingers. Hold your fingers out… okay.

hand

   Now, count those fingers… 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… plus the 5 from your other hand. That’s eleven, right? You have eleven fingers!

  Thing Two frowned. “No, that’s not right,” she mutters. So, I do it again, but inadvertently pick up the other hand. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6… “No!” She cries, triumphant. “My other hand is the one with six fingers, so I have twelve!”

   Pause.

“Oh, man. I can’t believe I just said that.” she groans.

Brag. She matched her sister’s top scores in her Year 6 SATs. Looking at this, I really don’t know how…

Surgery

Ureterocele surgery and reflux surgery here.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Gah

Sleep, beloved, I was wrong. I can’t do without you. I miss you so much. The bed is lonely without you, I just lay there staring at the ceiling wishing you were with me. Let’s work this out?

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Again

Sleep,

Fine. I don’t need you anyway. I’m still a rock star and all that. I have caffeine. Yes I do. And coffee. Which is also caffeine. And chocolate. Ditto. And I can take the LOT. Just watch, I don’t need you at all!

And don’t even THINK of coming sniffing around me mid-afternoon anymore. There’ll be no sneaking off together ever again!

No love!

Me

Monday, 8 August 2011

Insomnia

Dear Sleep,

What do you want me to do, beg? Fine! I’m begging! Come back to me. We used to be so good together, you and me. In bed, on the sofa, in the car…. We were just so compatible. I don’t know why you left me, but come back, we can work it out.

Me x

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Open Letters

Dear Sleep,
I don’t know what I did to offend you, but I am sincerely sorry. I don’t know why you won’t come see me anymore. I… I  miss you. Please come back.
Me x

Dear Bad Weather,
You, on the other hand, you I don’t miss. I am soaked. That thunder rattled the windows and made people scream. Some people thought it was a bomb and threw themselves to the floor. The floor that you had flooded. My sandals are ruined. Ankle deep water, I ask you. Gross. I need to dettox my feet now. You just stay the heck away from me. Tell your cousin, the Good Weather, that I miss HIM.
Me (no x!)