Friday, 15 October 2010

The Universe Is Against Me


This is a (bad) representation of my shower control. When I get in the shower, it’s pointing at 6. That’s too hot for me, so I adjust to 5. 5 is freezing OMG jump out of the way quick. Adjust to 5.5. That’s also freezing. Sigh. Adjust to 6. Also freezing. Huh? 6.5. Freezing. 7. Freezing. WTF?? 8. Cold. Grrr. Fine, whatever, I’ll have a cold shower. Cold is better than freezing. Wet hair. Apply shampoo. Lather. Water boils. There is no in-between, it goes from cold to Holy Crap I could make tea with this. Screech. Jump out of the way with scalded.. uh… outer extremities.

This shower doesn’t like me. I have shampoo dripping into my eyes. It burns. Eeek. Turn down water to 7. Boiling. Waft shower over toes to see if it’ll cool down if I give it a chance. No. To 6. Ha no, boil sucker. The steam is wafting into the shampoo dripping down my forehead turning it into some sort of sloppy goo that can get into eyelids that are squeezed shut.

5. That was freezing before, right? Yeah… not anymore.

Whack it down to 3. Still too hot, but not burning so I quickly rinse the shampoo and tears of pain.

Still hot. Reach for the shower gel…. Nudge shower control without moving it… suddenly the water temperature drops to zero and ice cubes drop on my head. Ouch. But also hah, I didn’t move you so I just proved that you are a sentient, malevolent, nasty… uh… machine. And I am bloody cold.

Turn shower right up to 9 because boiling has gotta be better than hailstones in the bathroom, right?

Ah ee ah ee ah aeee… sod it, that’ll do, DONE.

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