Friday, 24 September 2010

Puppy Diary 3

There have been developments. I have been allowed to leave, under strict supervision. Some sort of day release programme, I assumed at first. However it turned out to be some sort of very strange torture. I was taken to a building that appeared to contain several other prisoners. One by one we were taken into a special room, and some strange cries and squeals emerged. I was taken in, and made to stand on a high metal table while the Chief Torturer poked and prodded me and held various instruments over me. Then I was given kibble which was actually very tasty. While I was eating there was a sharp nip on my neck but the kibble was good so I ate it. I’m not sure why the other prisoners cried. The kibble was yummy!

The next time we went out I assumed we were going for more kibble and was disappointed to find that this new place was kibble free. I did meet another prisoner who was very big. He didn’t have any kibble either. He let me sleep on his bed, but then when I tried to use his ball to exercise he growled at me. He was alright, though I’d rather have had kibble.

The captors appear to be shrinking over time. It’s very strange. I used to climb one and sleep on her shoulders but now her shoulders are too small and I can’t get comfy. I nibble her ears and she makes me get down. So mean. They’ve also taken off my shackles because it was very tight on my neck but I think I shall get a new one soon because the Big Prisoner had one on.

I’m beginning to understand the bird noises. “Goo’ Bay-Lee” is some sort of praise, I think. I hear it a lot. I think “Bay-Lee” is their name for food, because if they say it and I run over I get kibble. I like kibble.

Friday, 10 September 2010

Puppy Diary 2

Day Four: I have met some fellow inmates. They are unnecessarily hostile and repel all my friendly overtures with hisses and slaps. I am beginning to think they are Stool Pigeons, since I have seen them cosy up to the Captors in a very friendly manner, purring and getting extra rations in exchange.

Day Five: I have been attempting to access some of the higher places in the prison, namely the Captors seating area. They tend to congregate there while viewing the box-with-lights-and-sounds (some sort of communication device?). However the high places are just too high and even taking a running start and jumping as high as I could, I still bumped my head on it. The high place (seems to be called a “so-far” in their bird-noises) remains out of reach for now….

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Puppy Diary

Day One: My Captors appear quite terrifyingly huge. I show no fear. There is a cage cell with a bed and water in it, but it seems that I am allowed to roam in the prison freely and cell times are erratic. I cannot trust these captors who seem so capricious. As night falls I manage to pin one down and I fall asleep on their chest, refusing to use the bed in the cell.

Day Two: My frustrations at this confinement are hard to bear. Sometimes I yell at my captors. When I do this they punish me by carting me to an outside area with giant hundred foot high walls. No chance of escape. I show my displeasure by squatting and pooping on their land. The captors respond with wild whoops, bashing their massive paws together and chanting in high pitched voices. The noises they make are hard to understand... it sounds like “Goo’ Bay-lee!” Some sort of incantation I suppose.

Day Three: One of the captors is much smaller than the others, and doesn’t make as many weird bird-like noises. It is possible I could teach this one to communicate. This one appears to spend a great deal of time on the floor, manipulating plastic objects, so I am able to climb onto its legs and look at its face. When I do, it also repeats the incantation from yesterday… “Goo’ Bay-lee…”. I’m not sure what this means.

Wednesday, 8 September 2010



O hai ebberybodee!

This has to be the cutest guinea pig puppy! Want to smoosh him? He nuzzles up under your chin and snuffles you. He’s so cute, yes he is, yes he is, who’sa cute boy… squeee!

Normal service will be resumed once Pup gets past the omg-awwwww stage!

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Is it Autumn??

I seem to spend half my life thinking “where did the time go???” (And the other half thinking “God I’m bored, can’t wait until…”. Irony, wot?) The thing is, I’m pretty sure life does go by reallyreallyreally fast as you get older, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised when I realise things like Christmas is only 4 paydays away (aaarrgghh).

Plus, of course, these summer holidays were actually only 5 weeks long, not 7 weeks like last year, so they did zip by really fast!

I dread the end of term… the idea of the kids being at home 24/7, of entertaining them, of having to deal with the fights and the bickering, the expense of the ”Canihaves” and the ”I’mboreds”. The thing is, by this end of the holidays I also dread them going back!

I get so used to the lazy mornings… sleeping in until 9am…. staying in pjs until 11… the kids playing out… dozing in the garden in the sun… (ok maybe that last bit was just wishful thinking. Damn British weather).

This post was just interrupted by me glancing at the clock, realising the time, jumping up in an adrenaline rush because oh crap! I’ve got an hour to get Babe to nursery and she hasn’t eaten or gotten dressed yet eek!

See? And THAT is what I miss about the lazy summer days. No adrenaline, no rush, no “have to”, no clock-watching just laid back and relaxed.

(Plus… and I realise this is breaking the Mother Honour Code… plus... I kind of miss my kids too. Hey, I actually LIKE my kids* and like spending time with them… stop looking at me like that… stop judging meeeeeeee!!!)

*Sometimes. Just saying.