Wednesday, 28 January 2009


I'm not allowed to tell you how, but my younger sister has managed to dislocate her shoulder. I'm not allowed to tell that my younger sister - who dropped half her body weight recently, is in kidney failure and is ever so slightly clumsy - sat on a chair and had it collapse underneath her. In a café. With 30 customers watching. Meeting our mother, who nearly had to go and buy new clothes she laughed so hard. (Mum. Depends. Try them...) So I'm not telling you that (you have to pretend instead that I told you was tipsy and at a really cool club, as if she was young and trendy, not over the hill and boring. Got it? Good).

I am allowed to tell you that the doctor thought it was broken so sent her for an x-ray. I am allowed to tell you that the radiographer sat her on a chair and moved her arm to get a good shot. I am allowed to tell you that the arm literally jumped and there was a loud click. My sister's vision faded and a wave of nausea swept over her. The radiographer though, realising that he had just clicked a dislocated joint back into place by accident went as white as a sheet, and backed up behind the safety screen, hand over mouth, muttering prayers. Well, there was audible "oh God, oh God, oh God..."

I did try and tell my sister that the nice radiographer did save her a general anaesthetic and lots of pain, but she is too busy snorting in disgust at "the big girl's blouse" who almost cried at his mistake while she tried to stop herself from "boking" in the corner. (Must be some weird local slang. It means throwing up apparently).

Today is the 5th anniversary of my elder sister's death (love you, Shar, miss you every day). If you heard thunder this morning, it was her falling over and rolling around in laughter in Heaven. This would have made her day... I wonder if she "nudged" the radiographer for a giggle...

Monday, 19 January 2009

Jeans revisted

This is a first. I have to say.. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I misled you. I wrote something that almost a year on I find is untrue.


Today there was no thrill of fear. Today I bought jeans again for the first time since last year (is that good or bad? How often should you buy jeans? How long do your jeans last? Am now worried that I am either a) a spendthrift, thowing money away wantonly on unneeded jeans or b) a slattern, wearing old disgusting jeans) and I wasn't worried.

Today I realised that no-one on earth can eat that much chocolate and I gave in. I got sick of hoicking my jeans up several times a minute, holding them up one handed whenever I had to move at anything above a slow stroll, carrying my toddler in the waistband as if they were a sling... Ok. I exaggerate. I don't carry my toddler in my jeans. I can't. If I so much as pick her up all I hear are screams "I want walk mummy!".

Today I bought jeans TWO FULL SIZES SMALLER than usual. Less than four weeks after the season of Feasting Until You Burst (Christmas to those less irreverent). TWO. SIZES. SMALLER.

Oh, yeah.... am smug.

Saturday, 17 January 2009

Request to Sony

You'll have to excuse my long absences. I am a teeny bit enamoured of my new toy, the e-reader. It has caused me to greet the dawn on several occasions, but it is so much fun! As a confirmed bookaholic, I didn't think I would like the electronic version, I was suspicious of its wiles. It felt a little traitorous to even hold the cover. Luring me away from the wonderful feel of the paper, the smell of the ink, the visuals of the cover art. Come to the Dark Side the e-reader hums. We have cookies...  and I am a cookie lover, you know.

Himself bought me the e-reader for Christmas. I am a convert. I can read 3 or 4 books at once without Himself whinging at me - or even knowing! My bedside table is tidier, potentially. I say potentially since I do still have 27 books* piled on it. But I could put them away now if I wanted to! I can store entire series of books on a single memory card and read the entire thing from start to finish without getting annoyed that I've lost book three and book five is downstairs and I'm upstairs and why on earth is this copy of book seven falling to bits? Oh yes, the bath. Oops.

However, Sony, I do have some improvements for you to consider when you upgrade it.

1. Touch screen. Please. The buttons are annoying and a touch screen would eliminate them and give me more reading space.

2. A clock. To stop me greeting the dawn on a school day!

3. A back-light. Even gameboy gave in on this one!

4. A completely waterproof cover. For the bath, the beach, walking in the rain...

5. A cup-holder would be useful**.

Himself tells me that I could purchase some of these as accessories, but that isn't the point! I want them as standard please.

*The girls recently counted every book that is within hand's reach of my pillow. Including the ones on the floor, the bedside table, balanced on the headboard, on HIMSELF's table because mine is full... there are 116. Gosh. I should re-shelve more often. As soon as I buy more shelving.

**OK I was joking about the cup-holder. Wifi to order pizza, though, that would be cool.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Oh no she didn't!

Oh yes she did! I'm shocked but delighted that The Babe just sat on my lap for a full two hours, completely enthralled at the singing and dancing on the stage in front of her. Yay for panto season and the Cbeebies stars!

In fact she only moved twice the entire time - once she jumped at a particularly loud crash of thunder and once she got carried away booing the Baddie. Two years old, booing and clapping, how sweet! Shame she wasn't actually doing it at the right moments... Still, usually her attention span disappears faster than chocolate at a kids party, so I'm impressed that she coped.

Thing One is at the "too cool for anything, actually, whatever" stage. She lounged, paid polite attention, and limply clapped at the appropriate times. Just enough to avoid the Glare of Mum, but not enough to make anyone actually thing she was enjoying herself. Then she came home and shed 5 years of maturity. She started throwing herself around the room, singing, dancing, high kicking: "That was so cool!!!" Yeah. Nice to know she is still young enough to enjoy the panto. Nice to know I'm still mean enough to tell the world she's still a kid. Mwah-hah-ha!

As for Thing Two - next year I'm taking reins. If she'd leaned any further over the barrier she'd have ended up on the stage. Enthusiasm in one thing but have some common sense dear!

And me? I didn't get to eat my intermission ice-cream with The Babe glued to my lap, so I'm going next week by myself, just for the treats!

Thursday, 8 January 2009

And... action!

WHY?! Why are toddlers so STUBBORN??

I've been wanting to tape some of The Babe's funnier antics recently. Such as her Pink impression "So What! Am rock star! Don't need you! Na na na!" Or "Burp! Par'n me. Burp! par'n me."

However I've only just figured out how to record on my camera (damn but cameras are so clever nowadays. Years away from my first ever camera - which was a 110 not a Box Brownie, do you mind! I can remember being blown away by concepts like auto wind on and flash... and now I can point my camera at my kids and watch them perform on the PC a few minutes later. Marvellous really.)(Except, as I said, I've only just worked out how to do that so the camera may be marvellous but me? Not so much.) (Oh and by the way I don't care what the spell-check is trying to tell me, there ARE two "l"s in marvellous. Stupid American spellings).

(Uh... what was I saying?)

Now that I've figured out the camera, will she sing? Will she hell. She clams up tighter than Himself's wallet and refuses to be my performing monkey. Or grins and says "cheeeeesse!" What's that about? Stubborn child that she is.

Well, so what! I don't need you. I can entertain everyone without you. <sigh>.

Monday, 5 January 2009

Winter Blues

Pull up a chair, Dear Reader, and I'll tell you a story.

Once upon a midnight dreary... well ok. It was 8am, not midnight. I was trying to set a mood, people!

What a grotty start to the week though - my sitting room clock is wrong so I thought it was 8am when I left the house with Thing One to do the school run but it was 10 past! Also after two weeks off we had both completely forgotten the need to go out earlier and de-ice the car. By the time I cleared the ice, collected the other car-share kids and got to school it was 8.25, oops (register called at 8.30 sharp, so they had to run in).

Also today is my late father's birthday, so I had to stop at the cemetery on the way home from the school run, so was late getting home, so was almost late getting Thing Two to school (8.57!!). AND I forgot to give Thing One her next installment of the fees for geek camp which are due today. I did remember both girls' PE kits though so do I get brownie points for that??

Later, at school collection time I left the dog in the house while i popped to the Primary to collect Thing Two and Himself drove to the Senior school to give Thing One her Geek Camp cash.

Anyway. Aaaarrgghhh. I hate my dog! He destroyed some of The Babe's unwrapped but unopened presents and my curtains. AGAIN. He was alone for less than an HOUR for God's sake! Just because we've been at home for 2 weeks he decides being alone is unbearable? I don't ruddy think so. Arthritis or no arthritis he can go to his kennel when we go out.

And I had to run into town to buy pigging CURTAINS!!!

Oh, and see that eldest of mine, the selfish horrid Thing One? The one who knew her dad was waiting outside to give HER some money for HER geek camp and give HER a lift home? The one who called me to let her go to her friend's house after school?? Yeah. Not happening. Brat.

AND! My youngest? The one who stropped all the way home so that Himself and Thing One got home before me even though he had to wait for Thing One to come out of school, go into school with cash, come out of school and then fight cross town traffic?? Yeah.
Not talking to her either. Mind, the fact that I had left my house key
at home so couldn't get in anyway until they got home...

See Thing Two? I love Thing Two.

The week will get better, right? Right?

Saturday, 3 January 2009

I Resolve...

Actually I don't. I don't make New Year Resolutions 'cause nobody ever keeps them. I won't lose weight, I won't stop losing my temper and I won't be a better correspondent. The thought is there, but the laziness wins every time.

However I do have one resolution that YOU, Dear Reader, can keep. Repeat after me:

"I, open bracket insert name here close bracket, do hereby resolve to never, never, never give chocolate to Thing One, Thing Two or The Babe regardless of the occasion."


I emptied the various selection boxes into a bucket - yes a BUCKET. The bowl wasn't big enough. It is full. This is in addition to the huge tins of Roses and Celebrations and the boxes of Terry's Chocolate Orange, After Eights, Maltesers and All Gold. We have chocolate coming out of our ears. We don't even eat that much chocolate. The vast majority will end up donated on or thrown away. Please don't give us chocolate!


Um. Is it a bit wrong of me to stare at all this chocolate in disgust but still be pissed off that we don't have any Quality Street?? What is Christmas without the Toffee Penny or Noisette Triangle, huh? Huh?

Happy New Year, all. Have a very Healthy and Happy 2009!