Saturday, 19 July 2008

A Work of Fiction

Once upon a time, in a small cottage in the middle of the woods, lived a family of bears. There was Fatherbear, Motherbear, Cleverbear, Sweetbear and Babybear. Every morning, Motherbear would wake up with a spring in her haunches and a smile on her face, and rush downstairs to make breakfast for her beloved family.


Oh, ok. You want realism, huh?

Every morning Motherbear would growl and stomp around the cottage, bashing pans and dropping bowls, while shouting at Cleverbear and Sweetbear to get out of their pits and get ready for school. Motherbear would burn the porridge while she was upstairs pulling covers onto the floor to stop the bears from snuggling deeper into their beds that were too comfortable. Then, she would put breakfast on the table anyway since it was too late to make something else.

"Gulp," said Fatherbear, tactfully "My porridge is too hot".
"Ewww," said Cleverbear, "My porridge is too full of burnt bits, gross!"
"Um," said Sweetbear, seeing the dangerous glint in Motherbear's eyes, "My porridge is just right." and she ate it all up.

Then, Motherbear used her fore left paw to comb Cleverbear's fur, her fore right paw to comb Sweetbear's fur, her rear right paw to comb Babybear's fur and her rear left paw to hold the bobbles. Then she would fall on her ass, because c'mon. She's a bear, not a spider! Then all the little bears would laugh and laugh and Motherbear would cuff them around the ears and stuff
them into the bathroom to clean the foul bear-breath teeth.

"Get out" screamed Cleverbear at Sweetbear "I shouldn't have to share a bathroom with you, you can wait your turn!"
"I don't want to share with you anyway," huffed Sweetbear, "You're smelly."
"Mine teef, mine" said Babybear, pushing everyone out of the way to squeeze toothpaste all over her toothbrush, hands, feet, clothes, floor, sink, mirror and walls.
"Oh for crying out loud," sighed Motherbear "Can't you do anything just right?"

There came a knock at the door, and a golden-haired girl peeked around the door. "Haven't you left for your walk yet?" She asked "I really wanted to play on the Wii while you were out."
Mother bear sighed. "Very funny, Goldilocks. I didn't realise it was that late again. Oi, you miserable lot, get yer butts down 'ere, it's time to go to school."

There came a flurry of paws, and shouts of dismay.
"I've lost my jumper."
"Where's my lunch?"
"Mu-u-um, where's my swimming kit?"
"Can I have 10p for tuck shop?"
"She's wearing my cardigan, that's MINE you thief!"
"Mu-um, babybear said 'butt'!"
"Why do I have to wear a coat? It's summer, no-one else wears a coat!"
"Mu-um, Babybear is swearing again."
"Why did you even have me? It was just to ruin my life, I know!"
"Can I say butt?"
""Ow, muu-um, she pushed me!"
"Did not, stop swearing."
"Babybear swears."
"Mu-um! Why aren't you listening? Mu-um!"

Motherbear sighed, closing her bedroom quietly as she snuck away, with a cup of tea with honey. "It's no wonder I'm Grizzly." she muttered.

Standard disclaimer: as a work of fiction, any resemblance to any person (living or dead) or situation is probably coincidental.

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